Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Golden Gobbler

Ha! I was right.

Some reviews:

"The Golden Compass is a shivering, soulless wreck...." Scotsman

"Here is a magical-mystery movie with everything money can eagerly buy: big-name stars, boffo effects, a story pre-sold in a mass-cult fantasy novel. The only thing "The Golden Compass" lacks, alas, is magic." MTV

"....clumsy caroms from one scene of clunky exposition to the next....amateurish action sequences....hopelessly out of whack, changing chronology so it can climax with a depressingly lame massive-army battle and conclude without much consequence....a stupid, sloppy film." Waltham Daily News Tribune

"The Golden Compass" is a hollow, tin-plated mess." Fort Collins Now

"....curiously sodden....hovers somewhere between the loopy and the lugubrious....Some of this qualifies as spectacle, but very little of it takes hold as organic wonder....a film that knows what it's against...but never quite figures out a way to voice what it's for....not very enthralling....a fantasy that leaves you chattering about particles." Rating: C ew.com

"The unedifying truth about this year’s winter’s tale is how dismal it looks....fails to match the magic of the book....no oxygen for the imagination....a fatal lack of real drama" Entertainment Times

"A disappointing adaptation of the fantasy epic.....The Golden Compass finally arrives in cinemas this week. But can it live up to the expectation and anticipation surrounding it? The answer, in a word, is no....As for the ending, it's a complete and utter shambles....The result is a film with moments of dramatic and visual splendour, but one that's never quite the sum of its parts....merely a passable fantasy flick that pales in comparison to the epics it apes." ign.com

"....uninspired direction and uneven technical execution....Weitz's conception and pedestrian execution are problematic....lacks a sense of magic and wonder." Emanuel Levy of Rotten Tomatoes

"This odds and ends manic mix of snippets dredged from sci-fi parallel universes, supernatural substance abuse, cranky clerics, worrisome wizards, rowdy retro 19th century street urchins, persecuted free thinkers, goth grownup child abusers and computer-generated homicidal polar bear throat slashers, is less likely to dazzle the senses than exhaust minds of all ages." News Blaze

"....strictly tinny storytelling...." Boxoffice

"....drags this would-be blockbuster down to the depths of dullness....writer-director Chris Weitz crams his story full of magical terms and concepts with a rapidity that leaves things confusing and thus meaningless....featureless and forgettable action sequences...." Slant Magazine

There are lots more along the same lines. The interesting thing is that none of the reviewers understands the reason WHY it is so boring. They think it's bad direction, to much going on ("too many notes"?), or whatever, when the real reason is that godless fantasy worlds are inherently boring because, underneath all the confetti and glitter, there's nobody home.

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